Acting the Trans Away

Weekly Journal One

When I was a kid and I had to hide my transgender identity, I became a great actor. Maybe even the greatest actor. I remember joking to myself that I would one day win an Oscar, with the sentimental hope that one day, people would understand. With an unsupportive family, no chance of receiving gender-affirming care, and an often unsafe school situation, I retreated far, far within myself. Billie went into hiding, existing only in my secret blog, in the few feminine items I was able to scrounge, and in my mind. I also existed, both briefly and randomly, on the Warwick University Pride online forum, where queer students showed me that I could exist, though I didn’t appreciate it at the time.

Salem knows what’s up.

My point is — I acted my heart out through my childhood. But I didn’t stop. One year became two, two years became five, and five years became ten. I never thought, at all, that I would be able to transition. Somewhere along the way, perhaps inevitably, I think I lost myself. ‘Who am I?’ is a question that I have asked myself for as long as I can remember. Even now, I don’t know the answer. I also don’t know where I am in my life. I could be in the woods, at a lake, or up a mountain. I have no idea — how can I know who I am if I have no idea where I am, on the most basic level? However, since beginning my transition (I’ve been on HRT for over a year now), I have…