Somehow, Back to School

Today, I found out that my return from medical leave has been approved by my grad school. I think this is good news, right? Everything must now move quickly — classes start next week, and I still have no idea which I should take. I think that logically, I need to change my career path, and thus the classes I intended to take… I have worked extremely hard over the past few years to position myself perfectly to jump into digital investigations for media, academia, or international organizations, but I now recognize the dangers of that path for me. This is not an easy decision, and it hurts, but I think it might be necessary for my well-being. Sigh.

I appreciate that I am extremely privileged to be in this position. The Fletcher School program is one of the most respected and prestigious in my field, and I can cross-register for a few classes at Harvard too. (I know — Harvard!) That should be great, right?

The inner sanctum of the Harvard Kennedy School, where I occasionally pretend to be a student. I saw John Bolton (yes, that John Bolton) there once.

In reality, I had ECT at McLean. I am still having side effects: cognitive issues, brain fog, and some memory loss. My brain doesn’t function in the same, razor-sharp way it did before. My sky-high levels of motivation are gone, replaced by a desperate struggle to make it through the week. Every day and night I struggle with intense suicide and self-harm ideation. That battle is ongoing, it is consequential, and sometimes it doesn’t feel like I am winning. The doctors tell me…