But I Want to Live
Riffing on my frustrations of being trans and online (and hurt)
Dear reader, you know I am trans and struggle with my mental health. I am writing this because I have some feelings that I need to get out. It is impossible for me to avoid the most horrific transphobia online, for it is everywhere I turn. It suffocates me and it sparks despair in my heart and darkness in my mind. The trans hatred online has moved and shifted so far in its river of death over the last year that it cascades over so many parts of trans life — sports, education, healthcare, performance. I feel gaslighted by the simple fact that this isn’t recorded or memorialized more widely, and so I wanted to note this down here for posterity.
This isn’t good writing, it isn’t long writing, and it took me no more than thirty minutes. It is messy and imperfect. Yet it is angry, and honest, and heartfelt, and sometimes that is enough for me. I am my own worst critic. This is what I see and this is what I feel.
I want to live.
But they don’t want us to be in schools
But they want to out us at school
But they don’t want us to swim
But they don’t want us to play tennis
But they don’t want to let us play golf
But they don’t want us to play soccer
But they don’t want us to run track
But they don’t want us to play college sports
But they don’t want us to play international sports
But they don’t want us to play Olympic sports
But they don’t want us to play professional sports
But I want to live.
But they don’t want us to play chess
But they don’t want us to sing
But they don’t want us to dance
But they don’t want us to do drag
But they don’t want us to act
But they don’t want us to perform
But I want to live.
But they don’t want our children to have trans healthcare
But they don’t want our children to have mental healthcare
But they don’t want sex education in school
But they don’t want trans education in school
But they don’t want children to receiver gender-affirming care
But they don’t want adults to receive gender-affirming care
But they don’t want us to have surgery
But I want to live.
But when we are out they abuse us
But when we are online they revile us
But when we are in public they beat us
But I want to live.
But they laugh at our pain
But they laugh at our existence
But they celebrate our suffering
But they celebrate our erasure
But they incite the hatred
But they incite the violence
But they joke about our suicides
But they joke about our deaths
Because do not want us to live
Because they do not want me to live.
and that makes me not want to live.
